Something in my heart always knew

Thought I might blog today as opposed to sitting in my /office until late into the evening instead of going to the empty condo; yeah ole boy left my black arse, and I have been a hot mess every minute since I discovered that Ke was gone and I can't seem to bring myself out of the slump that I am in, missing work, drinking until I pass out and yesterday I finally decided to leave the house return to work, have a decent meal and drop some clothes off at the dry cleaner being that I have not gone anywhere near housework or laundry, it really isn't that bad being that I am somewhat neat most of the time, but I just can't face the fact the my Boo Boo Kitty has left and my heart aches just the scent of his cologne, the last towel he used in the bathroom the sheets on the bed all still in the same place I refuse to change it, I have not answered the phone with the exception of Debbie's call because the last thing I need is for her to fly here find me unshaven, musty and reeking of beer. Yes I found the shower in the other bathroom and used that shower and had considered retrieving the bar of soap from the other bathroom that Ke last used, but I thought otherwise that meant I would pass his picture on the wall.

Maybe I can convince to time to slow up allowing me time to grow up because there is little or no reason for me to feel so down and out, but love hurts and this isn't the first time; but it makes me a firm believer that what you put out you certainly get back, and this brotha was a heart breaker back in the day and now I am allowing others to break my already damaged heart. On my own once again.

Moans and Groans and no Music

The weekends are coming and going to fast and there was so much I had to squeeze into this past weekend that a brotha is worn out, but it was certainly a memorable and entertaining weekend until I arrived home Sunday night to hear the up and coming stripper in my house moaning and groaning in the den; I immediately dropped my overnight bag and made a mad dash into the den to catch the bitch fucking up in my house although there isn't much I can say or do about who Ke fucks or sucks these days, but I can restrict such activity in this house.

I get to the door and I hear the moans and the groans so I peek in instead of kicking in the door; good thing I did not damage the door or create a scene because Ke was in the room masturbating to some hot black dvd he ordered it was hot I gotta admit and before I knew it I had taken off my clothes and joined in on the solo session I actually enjoyed watching him beat his dick and he was so into me doing the same, but we shot our loads headed for the shower then went to our separate quarters of the condo, he in the den and me bedroom( where i went right to sleep). we showered together and talked about the party I had attended and the Pride Fest in which I was unable to attend due to other commitments, but did drive by to catch a glimpse and it was not at all festive.

I get up this morning and fix a quick breakfast before heading out door only to discover that all of Ke's things are packed and now I am sadder than sad, but why? I knew he would be out soon hell I asked him to leave. I didn't wake him I just looked at the boxes he had packed during the night while I was sleeping, many questions filled my mind; is he leaving today or later in the week? I grab my cell phone wake up my friend Debbie and tell her what I had done the night before and what I discovered this morning; Debbie was half sleep and half intoxicated being that Atlanta parties a lot longer than Madison so she was probably just getting home a hour or two earlier, she said " look chile I have told you the bitch ain't going nowhere anytime soon that means he has to pay rent and bills and he knows as long as he is at your house he can get away without paying bills, by sucking you off and letting you hit that ass now bitch I am going to bed have a great day and work." I was standing in the lobby of my building stunned from those remarks.

I wanted to call Jeff, but why include him in my mess? I will see him sometime today probably about the time I leave for lunch, he manages to have already found us a table or park bench and people the bitches at work are starting to take notice. We talk and he makes me laugh and that makes for good friendship. he kept texting me at the party and then calling me reading folks and dissing folks, we were with differentcliques so we kept our distance for the most part, but I was introduced to his best friend or ole friend.

Man, I gotta get some rest I will log in sometime tomorrow or later in the week however; I have a few blogs I gotta read before calling it a night. hope that you guys had a good weekend and hope that your week in a good one.

Just a little bit of Jazz and Art

Here it is Monday and I gotta admit the weekend went to fast; it was a good weekend. I spent Friday evening with Jeffrey he is really a nice brotha and has a heart of gold. Oh Jeffrey is the brotha I encountered at work (Mister Security Personnel). I had apologized to him a couple of days ago and he said "he totally understood why I acted like a damn fool." I had to laugh because he was spreading the gospel.

We exchanged numbers now keep in mind he already has the private number which I may do away with as soon as of tomorrow, I telephoned him Thursday evening and we talked then texted each other the remainder of the evening, after talking to him I learned a lot about him and I thought I knew pain hell my pain is a mosquito bite compared to his pain. Jeffrey and I have actually crossed paths earlier in life during my bars nights no doubt, yes I used to be a bar fly. This was years ago. He knew me during my carefree days and clubbing in Chicago with my best friend.

Jeffrey never caught my attention before, but now I am disappointed that I had not paid more attention because he is a very nice person and he is handsome in his own way with a nice body, but I am not trying to get with all that right now, I just want to be friends and I am certain that is his motive or intention as well. It would be very nice to have a good male friend right here in town, now there is nothing wrong with my girlfriends, but there are limits as to what you can share with them and tell them although I do have two triple G's (Good Good Girlfriends) that I share almost everything with secrets the whole nine yards, but I do appreciate having that good male friend and I have reason to believe that Jeffrey is going to be my boi (no disrespect George, Greg and Bill) yall my homies, but shit we don't hang like we did in college now that you have lovers and shyte. I know I was absent during my relationships too.

We made plans to meet on the Square on Saturday for the Art fair on the Square then take in some jazz at Memorial Union on Campus. The brotha showed up looking so damn good once again I hit the pavement! I had to gather my composure. I did jeans and a tee while brothaman was in shorts, wifebeater and sandals ( I love feet and he has nice feet). After talking with Jeffrey, I was able to stop entertaining the sexual thoughts and realize I like him, but I would rather have him as a friend. Not going to fuck up this friendship or turn it into a circus.

Gotta go my cellular is chiming and you know who that be... Holla at ya later.

Black Butterfly taking time to take care of me.

I was sitting here in my office for no apparent reason all my work for the day has been done in fact I worked non stop completing as much work as possible being that I am still trying to catch up from work left over prior to me leaving for the 4Th of July I have caught up with most of it a few calls to clients and one conference and the weekend will be upon me again however; a brotha needs some serious sleep or botox possibly both couldn't hurt, just kidding sleep is all a brotha needs right about now, then again botox would be enhancing that and electrolysis. LOL

Okay I am sitting here at my desk and I hear one of my cellular phones ringing and it is the private number (strictly booty calls)and to my dismay the caller is displayed as unknown but I answer anyway and I hear music slowly coming through and it is a song that makes me weak every time I hear the song (Nobody Suppose to be Here) by Deborah Cox. Now who would call me and let this play in my ear? The song ends and I wait for a voice to appear on the other end, but to no avail so I hang up and turn to my computer to check e-mail and just as I thought there would be mail, but what fucked my understanding up is not only does the person have my e-mail address, but private cellular number and the return e-mail bounces back when I try to reply now I am thinking that Ke may be playing games, but hell he doesn't know my other number (yeah I kept it from him, besides our bills and phone carriers are different and I pay the bills online and he never took time to check or least I don't think so, but WTF)?

I sit in my office and try to see if I gave this info to anyone lately and my mind went blank, I have been a good boi lately, so WTF? A hour passes and security announces that he is leaving the building for the evening and that I should use my key card at security points and that the door will automatically lock behind me, if he had been a shade darker and a year younger I would have fucked him right there in my office. Not!

I finally get my things together and head home, what should I get to eat or is that chump cooking tonight I thought? Either way ice cream would be a treat, or any thing cold in this heat yes I said heat Wisconsin gets a couple of months of summer and intense heat. I opt for ice cream cake. I walk towards the market when all of a sudden a hear someone walking at a very fast pace behind me so I start to slow down hoping they would pass me and allow me to enjoy my walk, but no they grab me from behind and cover my eyes the hand smells to good to be robber so I guess it is one of the few playful men I know, but it is not instead I find that it was the security person from work, he wasted no time telling me that he knew more about me than I knew myself and that he "was the answer to my problems." I laid out on the side of the building until I was able to breathe again, but he had shocked the shyte out of this brotha.

We decide to have a drink and talk remind you I am not to be drinking anytime soon so I had just one beer on draft, Mister has a vodka or some clear drink with lime. Neither one of us stops traffic and rest assure we are both to old for kat and mouse games, so he gets to the point and I only have one question: Why? he goes on to tell me that he knows that I have been hurt, I deny it and he says "bullshit I hear you sobbing in your office when you think you are alone." I jump up shout "Good Luck!" I leave and now I feel bad because the brotha was real about his feelings and he actually wants my company. What should I do I did like the way he smells and he does have a nice body a bit thin, but nice and no I am not heavy, but tall and tend to weigh in over 200lbs from time to time I used to have a swimmers body, but that was well lets just say it hasn't resurfaced yet. I gotta call him because I have got to ask how he got my number and e-mail then invite him to the cook-out during Madison Pride next weekend. Can I apologize for my rudness with flowers? Tickets to a Brewers Game? I should have been polite and not rude, but damn allof a sudden shyte is happening and I am not ready.

Vision of Love or Nightmare?

What up my peeps been a minute rest assured I have been busy, and I have missed you all or at least reading your blogs. I will spend sometime this afternoon or early evening catching up on my reading and check out whats happening with you. I will make this brief however; it will give you some insight as to what has transpired since my last entry; well it was the weekend prior and I decided to get away from the condo and him (Ke) just to sort out my thoughts and get in touch with me, because I had lost control and allowed my little head do the thinking instead of the big head.

I departed Madison for a quick trip over to Milwaukee, checked into a moderate hotel unpacked left the room to walk Wisconsin Ave in search of something to eat (no I was looking for food). I decided on a burger and fries might as well eat greasy food being that I would be doing some serious drinking later that evening. I had my dinner walked along the Grand Ave Mall window shopping as if I was really interested in the displays offering the latest in lateness. Keep in mind that I was suppose to be here to read and relax not drink or throw my diet out the window, but shyte happens. I was not suppose to be drinking at all this weekend because you know how I get with a few beers and half naked men walking around me makes me wanna fuck something.

The club scene was it's usual, bars full of men young and old trying to cast shade while dancing to the beat of the drums or what ever music that dj/vj was playing. I enjoy dancing although I am not the young performer I was some years ago, I could even Vogue back in the day and hand it to you on the dance floor in a very masculine way, time brings about change, but the brotha still has skills. Okay I had promised myself that I would clear my head and nut sack of Kewon and how does one clear his mind? Sex with a stranger...Not! Flirt and enjoy the young and old brothas that are doing their best to capture the attention of this brotha. I flirted awhile got a hard on and decided to leave before I get caught up and regret it in the morning so I leave for the hotel while en route to the hotel I meet a very attractive brotha (hustler), but I don't give in I move right along minding my horny business.

I grab a quick bit to eat from the same place I had ate earlier that evening; I paid for my food , tipped the sistha then headed for the hotel which was only a block away. I ate the food I had purchased, checked my voice mail and text messages and there was a very shocking messages from Ke the text message "I love you Boo." I was touched, but thought hell naw this is mass game the brotha knows that when I return I was ending this jacked up relationship. I admit I wanted to call him to say the same and tell him where I was, but no more being soft and polite.

Leaving the hotel the following morning after a long night of thinking I was confident that I could end this and I was certain I knew where I went wrong and how the relationship got out of hand but when I realized that I pushed myself on him and he into the relationship, you can imagine my chagrin, I was so disappointed in my actions it took some corroboration but the evidence was there, "I had thrown myself on the brotha." I must have felt alienated or something and felt the need to be with someone; Ke was really just a friend not a lover, but it was me who took it to a level he wasn't interested in and yes it was like an accident "you can't look at it, but you can't turn away." He went with the flow being sentient to say the least.

I arrived at the condo called out to him, but no answer and I could hear music in the den and I gathered he was in there doing his strip routine to the sound of the Pussycat Dolls, he saw a strip show in Miami and he is now learning to throw his ass and sling his dick (not bad kinda sexy in fact). Okay I open the den door and yes he is in there naked and dancing, but not alone his good friend is in on the strip act too. No I doubt if they are fucking, and now it really makes no difference because I apologized to Kewon and ended the relationship although we are going to try and maintain a friendship, it was my fault that things got off track, he gave me the line about "we would have grown into it!" Chile Pleeze I was in it, you would have grown into it in time. Yes we are no longer a couple and I have given him until the end of summer (August) to vacate the condo shortly thereafter I may relocate out of town. I have come to the conclusion that I have got to change and change at this time in my life will be difficult, but I will change.