Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Get up and get Out!

The weekend is rapidly approaching and I have yet to let Kewon know that I have decided to move on and yes I do want to maintain a friendship with him, but at the present time it would be advantageous for me to move on and he do the same. We have been talking more and fucking less this week, in fact we finally slept a whole night in the same bed and there was no sex. He has a summer job in retail and he has been busy working and he too does volunteer with a local agency from time to time (yes imagine him as an humanitarian). I strongly believe the reason we have not fucked or sucked something it the past few nights is that I too have been worn out from work, mostly stress (my boss is from hell), and I have been putting in countless hours working with flood victims on line answering questions and referring them to the proper agencies such has FEMA and other agencies.

I get home and read awhile, watch the news grab a snack and hit the shower and very often fall directly to sleep, most times Ke is in bed already. We get up about the same time and have breakfast if I feel like cooking or eating for that matter (lately a brotha has not had an appetite). I am going through so much stress right about now that nothing really matters that is why i am going away this weekend (Milwaukee) rent a hotel room and just read and relax and this will be shortly after I call it off officially with Ke, yes he will remain in the condo unless he decides to move out otherwise the office/den will be his quarters. I am afraid to break it off, but I have got to stand on solid ground no more mind games from him or our mixed emotions. " I would rather be in love than alone."

June is just about gone and I have yet to actually celebrate Gay Pride Month, it has not felt much like a time to celebrate here in Madison, this all stems from some of the events that transpired during the festive Memorial Day Weekend, I was Miami, but a friend called me to let me know that Madison had lost one of the community's activist and volunteer in Mexico; there a group of them in Mexico on vacation and Felicia lost her life at the hands of a Mexican citizen while she was vacationing with friends. the usual parties that generally take place here this time of year has not been the same we are all still mourning the lost of our friend.

I gather I should leave the office and go home a little early and surprise Ke with some of his favorite fast food meal (Me) no I will stop by Buffalo Wings and get him some hot wings and a side salad, he has been good he deserves not to have to cook tonight being it would be his turn to prepare or buy dinner. Tomorrow afternoon I have an appointment to see someone at Group Health and I am requesting counseling.

Have safe and enjoyable weekend, holla at ya later.

Monday, June 16, 2008

My Heart is Damaged

The past few weeks have been very disturbing to say the least and no I am not registering any complaints because I kinda had a feeling that things would happen just has they occurred; if you remember nothing has been the same since Kewon became my friend/lover. The graduation and family gather, Miami fiasco, trouble in the bedroom these are the events that have torn us apart, we are still residing in the same apartment only this time as roommates or seasonal friends. I am in therapy (not clinical), but my own way of dealing with heartache and pain. It is my fault I fell for the brotha when in fact I had warned my heart that I should be careful when dealing with younger men, it isn't fair for a man my age to try and capture my youth through a younger lover when there are plenty of brothas my age (no I am not that old, but certainly to old to be so damn foolish).

I have come to face the reality that I will probably never find a compatible mate and that my friend, I will have to deal with and if it means paying the strippers for service then so be it, been there and done that and have actually had fun times with them outside of the bedroom or dance floor, but I could never date one on a regular I love to hard and I can get very upset when to much attention is given to my partner especially when it isn't me giving the brotha the attention.

Ke and I have talked things out and I have been drunk four out seven times during those conversations and have given him the dick before he can finish the conversation then we are right back where we stared and we both know that we are not to be a couple, but continue to throw dick at each other. I finally sat down yesterday (Father's Day) and talked seriously about what I was feeling and not feeling he too spoke candidly about his feelings, the things he told me cut like a knife and I bleed like a broken heart. He got fucked in Miami!

Hearing him give the details of the things he had done in that short time and how and where it went down fucked my understanding slam up! I should have just kept shit simple, but no I get to damn excited by phine brothas and intelligent brothas. I was so damn mad hearing him share the details and I had promised myself that I would not tell him exactly what I had done that weekend in particular, but he has been texting the negro and the two are on the phone when he and I are sitting on the sofa watching the news or some program, for a while he was on the computer at night chatting or something so I got pissed and gave the damn thing to a friend that had recently had theirs taken. That bastard got up that night and went to Walmart and bought another computer (laptop) then charged it to the house account Mastercard (the account for emergencies when I am not home). My friends are secertly talking about us and rumor has it " I am his Suga Daddy". On the contrary Suga Daddys generally have money and lots of it, I have an income decent but not Suga Daddy money.

I am in my office right now and I guess I should get home and have dinner with knucklehead, yes we try and have dinner together the early part of the week and then go into separate rooms the remainder of the evening unless he wants to play bones or cards. Holla later about my therapy I have given up everything that leads me to sex or poor judgement...Beer and clubs with hot Black men half naked, damn that means back to pleasuring myself. Does anyone know exactly when Kewon is moving out, or why he hasn't moved out yet?

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Before you walk out my life

I am slowly putting things into its proper perspectives or at least trying to sort some shyte out. As I stated I arrived home on Wednesday after what turned out to be
a long, but fulfilling holiday weekend. I am still having trouble facing Kewon and he is having the same problem facing me after we performed like such irresponsible men. I told my best friend what happen and he let me have it, he said " Bitch why in the hell did you take that whore to Miami and spend good money on that bitch and her family while they were visiting Madison?" My reply went something like " Love." of course he went on to say " I fell for the brothas good head and good looks and was enjoying his company being that I am always busy and Ke had no problem napping in my office while I work or cuddling up with me while we watch movies He always made time for me even when he was studying for finals."

After thinking back and facing fact, " I was not in love with Ke, but I do care for him and may actually love him". George one of my other good friend gave it to me raw... He told me I was so excited about meeting such a phine young brotha that was not hooked on something or up to no good that I ran with the opportunity to share my life with this man.

I will elaborate on the juicy details and the stunts the boyz were pulling in South Beach. It appears more folk from the South attended the event(s) than that of the North or West Coast now New York and DC was also in the house. I don't feel right talking about my escapes while trying to sort my feeling for Kewon before he leaves for some job offer he has decided to take until something better comes along or he attends graduate school which isn't likely anytime soon. I am on my way home to face him, (I am in my office, yes oon Sunday) he is at the apartment packing. maybe I can find a florist open and grab some flowers for him and invite him to dinner and maybe even invite him back into the bedroom, he is on the sofa (his choice), I told him he could get in the bed since there is room enough for both, but he said " no muthafucka!" I deserved that so I kept my mouth shut, he did come into the bathroom this morning while I was in the shower and just stood there looking at me and then called me a series of names. I jump out and inquire "what did I do?" He is casting blame on me and I know it was he that found interest outside of our thang not me, then again I get carried away around hot black strippers/dancers.