Saturday, July 24, 2010


I have spent the last couple of days reflecting and or reminiscing about when I considered my life to have been so much simplier; I suppose change doesn't come easy with me, but one thing for certain change it is inevitable. as of late I have not been myself, I'm going through some sort of change and it doesn't scare me much, because I know that it will make me a stronger/better person. I was dealing with a bout of depression a couple of weeks ago, but that depression has since subsided.

The other night I found myself in tears and I still don't know why, it could have been all the love I saw being displayed in the movie I was watching, or the music I was playing in the background while checking papers, the song was "I want to run to you." I have no idea why I was playing that song and a host of other sad songs; I generally play music that is upbeat.For some odd reason I just let the flood gates open when the song got to the part about "Each day I play the role of someone always in control, but at night I come home and turn the key there's nobody there no one cares for me." I just lost it, and that wasn't a pretty picture to see a man my age break down, I'm sure my neighbors heard me after all, I was in my living room and the balcony door was open, oh well.

Today has been a much better day, I found an ole friend on Facebook, now I have to decide if I want to actually contact him, not sure what to say. Guess I could inquire how his life has been since that morning he left me sitting at the breakfast table in Chicago. He had grown angry because of my best friend at the time Donald was acting a fool and I was wasted for the most part and firting with lawd knows who, but I had no idea that he had feelings for me, yes we had did the damn thing before, but never thought much of it after that, just sex. Well I found his profile on Facebook and he is just as beautiful as I remember him. Should I request him as a friend or just leave well enough alone?

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Mixed Emotions

For the past few days I have been suffering with what I consider a mild case of depression. I have so much on my plate right now; my contract expired July 1, 2010 and it doesn't appear that I will be part of the 2010-2011 budget, my position amongst others phased out. I was expecting that, but the idea of taking another job that I'm less than enthusiastic about or relocating makes me worry. On the other hand I still have much to be happy about.

I did enjoy a good 4th of July weekend, a friend came in from Chicago and we had a good time, bar hopping and visiting with friends. It is really nice to be around real friends and not the brothas here in this town that I thought were friends. I'm pleased that summer school is out in a few weeks.

Speaking of my depression, I have spoken with someone in reference to it, and she indicated that "I'm not suffering from depression but anxiety." She said "With all that has transpired in the past few months you feel at a lost." I asked her what she meant in reference to a lost. She went on to explain that job, the lost of what I thought was a friend ended up being a foe and anticipating change were the reasons for my anxiety. Good thing I only had to pay a co-pay, can't understand why she gets paid to mis diagnose. I was depressed and was prepared to face it without shame. No medication just therapy in which; I'm seeking from the same therapist the school uses for staff.

Feeling much better this weekend, and I'm pleased that the low feelings only lasted a few days, now I can move on with my life. I'm happy to have had such a supportive group of friends that were just a phone call away. Happy to be attending the Art Fair this weekend and might even do some shopping.