Leaves of Autum

Sitting here trying to decide if I should turn my heat on in my apartment. The weather has changed here in the Midwest and I'm one brotha that isn't prepared for this Fall weather and the quick season change. I can't really complain the past few weeks have been productive for the most part, I've had a steady teaching assignment and paycheck so all is well. What is missing is a steady partner, but I've been single so long that I'm really starting to accept the fact that maybe it is just meant for me to be single.

Spent most of the weekend reading and attending to chores, even tuned into some television. I was suppose to attend a college football game on Saturday, but opted out instead I ventured to the mall and I totally enjoyed it, not so much the shopping, but the people watching was wonderful. I did find a few items on sale mostly things for my winter cruise (yeah right, I'm going on a cruise alone). I'm anticipating getting away to someplace warm during my winter vacation.

Once again I'm setting out to get my body in shape (yeah, imagine that), I have dusted off my workout DVDs and books. I would love to have a body that favors that of Terrell Owens. I'm going to try for the next six weeks to eat right and workout. Guess I'll have to give up the beer... not! I will limit my beer intake.

Summer is almost gone

Many years ago there was a song with the title "Summer is almost gone." I don't remember the lyrics if in fact I've ever known them, but for some odd reason or other the title came to mind as well as the thought that summer is almost over. It seems like just yesterday I was putting away my winter gear, now you know we have long winters here in the Midwest, so the seasons change rapidly.

I'm a tad bit disappointed being that I didn't do many of the things I had set out to do this summer and now the summer is coming to a close... oh well. School starts this week and your boi is no more than a damn substitute teacher until further notice. Don't get me wrong I do enjoy teaching at most any level, but teaching on the secondary level can be problematic to say the least.

Not sure just how to spend the Labor Day Weekend and offically bring the summer to a close. The family is getting together, but I'm not sure about another trip south. I suppose I could hang out with my good gurlfriend and do the casino, maybe this time I'll actually win something. My buddy Jeff will be in town with his significant other, been a minute since we've hung out so maybe I'll just hang out with him and his lover.

Have a safe and enjoyable Labor Day Weekend.

Out Here On My Own

Hard to believe that we are nearing yet another season, here it is August and summer is just about gone. I can't say that this has been yet another cruel cruel summer; no not really I can't complain I have had a good summer for the most part, of course it could have been better, but such is life.

One thing for certain and two things for sure I learned a great deal about myself my strength and weakness, and I'm pleased to say that I'm truly blessed because the ole boi is well balanced mentally, spiritually and well not so much physically, but never the less balanced as a man. I had been having many doubts about myself, but after a little soul searching I found me hiding behind my own shadow. My emotional and mental health had been placed in harm's way after dealing with that double crossing muthafucka I used to socialize with and considered a friend, but I thought about what I'd read somewhere about friends being like leaves, you have the leaves who are so easily torn off and fade away as the seasons change, then there are the branches that seem to stay strong, but with enough pressure will break and fall to the ground then of course there are the roots which are the true essence of our being, these are the people that help you to grown and stay with you through out life.

Summer school let out this past Friday and school will soon be back in session. No job offerings as of yet, but then there is always the possibility of being a substitute teacher (hell to the no), I suppose a job is better than no job in these trying times and economy, maybe this time I will not get stuck with an eighth grade class performing I Sing the Body Electric as their class song for assembly especially since I'm not a music teacher. I must admit that class did an expectational job with the song in the absence of their regular teacher, so maybe I wasn't so bad as a sub.

I give up on finding Mister, he just doesn't exist not in my world anyway, I guess I'll become an old settler. LOL More like a spinster.

Reflecting

I have spent the last couple of days reflecting and or reminiscing about when I considered my life to have been so much simplier; I suppose change doesn't come easy with me, but one thing for certain change it is inevitable. as of late I have not been myself, I'm going through some sort of change and it doesn't scare me much, because I know that it will make me a stronger/better person. I was dealing with a bout of depression a couple of weeks ago, but that depression has since subsided.

The other night I found myself in tears and I still don't know why, it could have been all the love I saw being displayed in the movie I was watching, or the music I was playing in the background while checking papers, the song was "I want to run to you." I have no idea why I was playing that song and a host of other sad songs; I generally play music that is upbeat.For some odd reason I just let the flood gates open when the song got to the part about "Each day I play the role of someone always in control, but at night I come home and turn the key there's nobody there no one cares for me." I just lost it, and that wasn't a pretty picture to see a man my age break down, I'm sure my neighbors heard me after all, I was in my living room and the balcony door was open, oh well.

Today has been a much better day, I found an ole friend on Facebook, now I have to decide if I want to actually contact him, not sure what to say. Guess I could inquire how his life has been since that morning he left me sitting at the breakfast table in Chicago. He had grown angry because of my best friend at the time Donald was acting a fool and I was wasted for the most part and firting with lawd knows who, but I had no idea that he had feelings for me, yes we had did the damn thing before, but never thought much of it after that, just sex. Well I found his profile on Facebook and he is just as beautiful as I remember him. Should I request him as a friend or just leave well enough alone?

Mixed Emotions

For the past few days I have been suffering with what I consider a mild case of depression. I have so much on my plate right now; my contract expired July 1, 2010 and it doesn't appear that I will be part of the 2010-2011 budget, my position amongst others phased out. I was expecting that, but the idea of taking another job that I'm less than enthusiastic about or relocating makes me worry. On the other hand I still have much to be happy about.

I did enjoy a good 4th of July weekend, a friend came in from Chicago and we had a good time, bar hopping and visiting with friends. It is really nice to be around real friends and not the brothas here in this town that I thought were friends. I'm pleased that summer school is out in a few weeks.

Speaking of my depression, I have spoken with someone in reference to it, and she indicated that "I'm not suffering from depression but anxiety." She said "With all that has transpired in the past few months you feel at a lost." I asked her what she meant in reference to a lost. She went on to explain that job, the lost of what I thought was a friend ended up being a foe and anticipating change were the reasons for my anxiety. Good thing I only had to pay a co-pay, can't understand why she gets paid to mis diagnose. I was depressed and was prepared to face it without shame. No medication just therapy in which; I'm seeking from the same therapist the school uses for staff.

Feeling much better this weekend, and I'm pleased that the low feelings only lasted a few days, now I can move on with my life. I'm happy to have had such a supportive group of friends that were just a phone call away. Happy to be attending the Art Fair this weekend and might even do some shopping.

He Caught Me

What's good? Just thought I should take a minute or two to update my blog, actually there isn't much happening or has transpired since my last entry. No word on if my contract will be renewed so in the interim I'm searching for another job, the pickings are slim to none, but it is to be expected with the current economy. I'm somewhat prepared to relocate if necessary, I'll make my decision by July 15, 2010. Not else much is happening with a brotha, still looking for love in all the wrong places.

This past week was a hoot I allowed my stalker (Jerome) to catch up with me, in fact I thought by now he would have been over me, but he kept trying, and he finally caught me off guard. Well things didn't go down has he may have wanted them too, but he did try to suck my dick, but I was a bit to nervous to give him the hard dick he desired, shyte he had me on tremble and that is not at all me, shyte all it takes most times is a touch and your wish is my command.

I managed to get him to leave my apartment so that I could finish dinner and prepare for an event I had to attend later that evening. He gave me what was actually a very passionate kiss, gotta admit I like kissing him, and I'm not much of a kisser. He offered to cook dinner for me the following day, and I accepted, but when I arrived at his apartment I found him entertaining others and the meal was not yet prepared, so I exited stage left, by making an excuse that I would be back... good luck! I haven't seen him since and he lives right near my high rise.

Not sure if I want to try it again or not, I'm not looking for a relationship with him, but he is the kinda brotha you hit it and have no attachment to him emotionally. There is one problem he is friends with my nemesis Michael. Oh well I'll give it some more thought, being that he is close by and can suck this dick on a moments notice. BTW the picture was borrowed from another blogger.

Pride 2010

I'm home after two weeks in the Dirty South, yes your boi did the South. Spent only one day at Sizzle (The Booze Cruise) on the Friday prior to Memorial Day, interesting to say the least, but such a young crowd, I was truly out of place. Then it was on to Ark, Tenn and Missouri. Debbie is upset I didn't stop in Atlanta, but as I explained to her "I was just out and about, no destination in mind." I just needed to get away for a minute.

It's June so you know what that means... Pride Month. Every year I say that I'm going to celebrate my pride, but usually end up questioning what gay pride is all about, really. Pride should reflect more than just a few parties, half naked men, and a host of one night stands; now don't get me wrong those things are important too, but one should really reflect on the struggle we've had to face in hopes of seeking equality and respect.

Not exactly sure what events I will attend if any. Tonight in Milwaukee the party features Patti Labelle, as much as I would have like to have attended and spend some time with Tony, I decided to stay home and chill. Next month Chicago will kick off Black Gay Pride during the 4Th of July weekend. More than likely I will attend that event unless of course I head to Houston for the festivities.

Tell me what does Pride mean to you, and how will you be celebrating your pride?